Already regreting the rest of my life

I'm just about to turn in for the night, but thought I'd jot a note since I've been ignoring this diary.
It was about 100 degrees out today. I spent most of it in the air-conditioned basement and in my folks room. I read an entire book (entitled "Hunger" encompassing all types of hunger; self-imposed, famine, political fasting, etc).
I did actually hit the treadmill for 30 minutes on Tues and Wednesday. I ran 3/4 minutes walked 3 and so on. It felt surprisingly good. And when I first stepped into my jog I was thinking "I've missed this."
The eating has been off, as usual. Each day I recommit, and each day I fail. In truth, I've been planning to fail lately. The whole "tomorrow I'm going to eat whatever, because today wasn't satisfying" thing.
A boy from my last Job died the other night. I didn't know him really. Just in passing. But I felt sad at the news obviously. He was so young. The thing that really gets me is the fact that months ago he was thanking me for serving him lunch at the employee cafeteria ("thank you love") and today he's gone. Passed into finality. Something none of us yet know.
I prayed for him.

I just don't feel right today. It's not something I can put into words. If I try, it comes out as "I feel like i'm going to die soon", or "life doesn't seem real anymore". I searhed through the livejournal mood list, to cap this entry, but none seem to fit. Ever since I began having panic attacks several months ago, this feeling has hit me. It used to be a lot worse of course, and I don't have attacks anymore. But sometimes my eyes seem to focus funny, or i'll look at something as if seeing it for the first time/ or in a new light. I keep wondering if i'll eventually wake up someplace. Probably in a hospital bed, or in another life completely and this is something i've just dreamed up. But that gets me questioning the meaning of life and if life actually exists at all. Or perhaps it's just a figment of my own imagination. Or someone else's. There's nothing to be done about this I suppose. It's Sunday, and I haven't gone to church in such a long time (I did go to church while at camp last month but that doesnt count for me). I think I'll go tonight. Mom and pop left to go see a movie. It's one I already saw so I turned down the invite. I would rather not go to mass alone. we'll see.

I'd rather not talk about the food today. It's not good, but yesterday was fine.

One of mY favorite songs...

   Woke up this morning to the sound of pops hammering bricks into the walkway in front of the house. That was around 9:00.
   For breakfast, I ate the rest of the fat-free coolwhip that I had started last night. It's Crazy to eat fat-free cool whip plain, I realize that. But If I didn't eat it now, I'd do so later. So now I have to go to Wal-mart today to replace that and a can of Extra-creamy whipped cream. They both belonged to my mother.
   She's alway at the NJ shore with my brothers until Thursday. I didn't go because they'll be meeting up with Maria and company and I weighed about 80 pounds less the last time I saw them.

    I started off today mowing a section of the front lawn. It wasn't much, but at least it's a little exercise. Right?
   

         I keep thinking about this man that I saw running when I was at the trail riding my bike. He was sinewy, lean and beautiful. And sweating with the effort of his run. Really fast too. I felt so jealous. That used to be me....not that I was anywhere near as fast. But I miss the days of finishing a treadmill stint at the gym. The feeling of walking on air once the belt stopped and I headed to the locker room, face flushed and sweaty.  Cranking out 20 push-ups at a pop, and the one time a trainer and his client caught me and asked me how many I did, impressed. Obviously I never want to be that skinny again, (but a part of me does. I could see all the muscles, sigh) I just want to be that fit.

        This guy I used to work with (I don't know how often I'll talk about him, but I'll call him Jerry) sent me an email. He finished with "we should get together sometime, if your not busy." Sounds like he's asking me out. But, I really dont like him in that way. I could use a friend though.

I spent the entire day with my ass planted on the sofa. I think i'm starting to leave an indentation on one of the cushions. Without a job, (which I left in order to persue college and go to a weight loss camp) (check that shit out) 
my life is dull and depressing. It's never really been much better, but at least when I was working I served some sort of purpose. Now I'm sitting home collecting dust.  And eating. There's always the eating. I certainly did plenty of that today. It was sort of a carry-over from last night. I always get the idea in my head to start eating the night before and then go out the next day and buy binge food. Half of the time I'm too lazy to leave the house. So I wind up snacking on what we have in stock. More often than not, i'm left very unsatisfied and craving the things I had planned on buying. 
  
       I've only been home from camp for 2 weeks now. I've binged pretty much every day. I've had probably 4 good days. Compared to before, that's a huge improvement. But as far as weight goes, i'm really up there. I'm 176 pounds and 5'7". No comment on that. It really doesn't need one.
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So I broke my one-day streak yesterday and overate. At least I had one good day though. I reckon that this will be my last week on weight watchers. I can't avoid weighing-in at meetings and I obviously gained some poundage (about 3lbs) since the start. It pisses me off. I PISS MYSELF OFF!!!

I feel like such a loser. Honestly, this is nothing new. I've always been a loser. As far back as I can remember. But I really don't know why. I mean, there are people out there who are far less attractive than I am who have full social lives. Perhaps appearance doesn't play such a major role as i'd always assumed it did.

Anyway, here's a June 22nd USA TODAY article entitled;
"Study: 25% of Americans have no one to confide in"